How to construct a conspiracy theory – all the elements are here!

So you want to prove that secret societies run the world – well, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s build a conspiracy theory that will fool the credulous and outdo even the garbage circulated by Russian trolls.

STEP ONE: Know your audience. People who believe NASA has lied to us and that the Earth is flat generally subscribe to views such as lizard-like aliens being in charge of government and George Soros single handedly running global capitalism.

STEP TWO: Introduce some pseudo-history. Remember to show that your secret society can trace its lineage via the Freemasons and Knights Templar back to….well, wherever you want to go…Jesus and his wife Mary Magdalene or take it further back to the ancient Egyptians – whose pyramids were built with advice from extra-terrestrials.

STEP THREE: Don’t be overtly anti-Semitic – but rely on every anti-Semitic conspiracy the Third Reich and Tsarist secret police ever concocted. Might be useful to buy a copy of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion – a completely bogus manifesto by fictitious Jewish leaders that was actually penned by the Okhrana, the Tsarist secret police. It’s believed to be an authentic document by an army of idiots on Twitter.

STEP FOUR: The Illuminati. Ask anybody who believes the Illuminati run the world to actually define what they are and you’ll get a shrug and a blank stare. Or you’ll get a waffling and vague discourse that mixes the Templars, Freemasons and something about Zionists – back to Jewish people again!

STEP FIVE: Give boring organisations superhuman powers. The Bilderberg Group and the Trilateral Commission are dull as ditchwater gatherings of politicians, boardroom executives and their lackeys. The vol-au-vents are probably superior to those served at most conferences. But do the attendees make decisions that determine our destinies? They’d probably like to think they do. But the only people who really believe the Bilderbergers have magical powers are bedsit conspiracy theorists.

STEP SIX: Assign massive significance to symbols. The eye in the pyramid on the US dollar bill. Well, we all know what that means – eh? Why not see how many people you can convince that the gold stars on the European Union’s blue flag symbolises the crown of the Virgin Mary? Thereby proving that the EU is a Roman Catholic, Vatican directed plot. Actually, that conspiracy theory is already out there…

Categories: Conspiracy theory

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